My Red Kicks Kid

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   I was a mom for about a month. It was the most glorious and terrifying month of my life. The one thing I had wanted for so very long was finally mine, but with the complications we had to try and get pregnant, all I could do was hold my breath. A dear friend of mine gave me these tiny red Converse (to go with the black ones my husband and I already had) and it then felt real. We were so happy and finding out at Christmas time, we jumped the gun and made Christmas cards for our families. This is the only photo I have of my child, my Red Kicks Kid.
   I thought I had done everything right; immediately giving up smoking and caffeine and praying the next doctor’s appointment would be good. The only actual proof I have now that I was a mom is a photo of a positive pregnancy test and the results my doctor sent over from the test they did. There is a hole that will always be in my heart and I do believe it shrinks as time passes but it will always be there. And just like a breakup and Valentine’s Day, Mother’s Day seems to be the day I am reminded that I am not a mom.
   I did not fail at becoming a mom because I do feel like it was out of my control at that point. I am in a far different place in my life than I was in December of 2013, the day I woke my husband up at 6 am, screaming at him as I held the test in my hand. I love where I am now, but some days an overwhelming feeling of wanting to hold that baby in those red shoes and see a part of my husband and I staring back at me is almost too much.
   I guess if I wanted to look at the not so dark side of it all, my Red Kicks Kid is exactly who I would want them to be; smart, super funny, the most compassionate kid I know and somehow, even though they aren’t here now, my heart loves them so very much. There are people who would say, “how is that even possible?” I say, it isn’t to everyone, only those who have shoes their baby can no longer fill.
   I may be a mom again some day, I just pray that if the time comes, I will have a lifetime of photos of which I can see a little part of me and my husband staring back at me. But for now, I will just take comfort in the ‘what almost was’ for my Red Kicks Kid.

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